Living with Fish (2011)
An interactive, family-friendly video filmed at Prestonwood. Living with Fish is viewed by children in grades 1-6 during Bible Fellowship with the purpose of helping children apply biblical truths to their lives in an entertaining format. I helped develop the show concept and wrote two episodes.
Pilot Episode
By
Alan Tregoning & Jason Walter Vaile
INT. BASEMENT - DAY
Close up of a GOLDFISH swimming around a SMALL FISHBOWL.
PIPER (O.S.)
I guess this is it little buddy.
Pull back to reveal PIPER sitting on a small chair holding
the fishbowl. She is surrounded by the evidence of a pending
move: boxes packed, bare concrete walls, stripped down bed.
PIPER
But maybe I don't want to go.
ANGLE ON GOLDFISH
MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Did you know that some fish species
actually eat their young if they
refuse to leave the nest?
ANGLE ON PIPER
PIPER
Really? Gross.
ANGLE ON GOLDFISH
MAN'S VOICE
(deadpan)
I read it on the internet so it
must be true.
ANGLE ON PIPER
PIPER
You know what else is on the
internet?
ANGLE ON GOLD FISH
MAN'S VOICE
Man, now I'm hungry.
ANGLE ON PIPER
PIPER
Rooms for rent. Maybe we could
look one more time.
ANGLE ON GOLDFISH
MAN'S VOICE
I could really go for some fish and
chips right about now.
ANGLE ON PIPER
PIPER
I'm serious Dad.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL Piper's DAD as the source of the man's
voice. He's just finished stacking a pile of boxes.
DAD
Don't worry, it's kinda, sorta
temporary.
PIPER
It's kinda, sorta lame.
DAD
Piper.
PIPER
I meant moving back in with my
sisters, not Grandpa Fish taking
over my room.
DAD
(doubtful)
Really?
PIPER
Kinda sorta.
DAD
You'll be fine.
Piper looks down at her fish.
PIPER
Maybe, I mean how bad could it be
right?
CUT TO:
INT. TWINS ROOM - DAY
Kimmie snaps her fingers and gets in Piper's face. Carrie
reads from a big SILVER COVERED RULE BOOK. Piper stands
sheepishly holding her goldfish bowl.
KIMMIE
Rule twenty three.
CARRIE
No pets.
KIMMIE
Rule forty eight.
CARRIE
No arguing.
KIMMIE
Rule seventy seven.
CARRIE
(confused)
No smelling the dirty laundry?
KIMMIE
Rule seventy eight.
CARRIE
The sister hereby known as Piper
shall also be subject to any and
all other rules as assigned.
Kimmie grabs the rule book and shoves it towards Piper.
KIMMIE
Learn 'em. Love 'em. Live 'em.
PIPER
Well that answers that question.
INSERT CREDITS
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Piper is seated at the table surfing the web on her laptop.
The fishbowl sits nearby.
The basement door is kicked open and Piper's Dad stumbles
through carrying a couple of boxes.
DAD
Here's the last of it.
PIPER
Hey Dad, can I get a forty-five
thousand dollar advance on my
allowance?
DAD
Sure.
PIPER
Really!?!
DAD
Just give me a forty-five thousand
dollar down payment as collateral
and we'll do business.
PIPER
Oh snicker doodle.
DAD
What do you need that kind of money
for anyway?
PIPER
Well, instead of me moving in with
Carrie and Kimmie I found this nice
ocean view condo.
DAD
Sounds nice.
PIPER
Heated pool.
DAD
Of course.
PIPER
World class gym.
DAD
Exercise is important.
PIPER
Valet parking.
DAD
For that car you don't have.
PIPER
And with down payment, condominium
fee and a slick new aquarium for
Chum I figure forty five should
just about cover it.
DAD
And if it doesn't?
PIPER
You and Mom can just spot me the
difference.
DAD
Let me think ah no.
PIPER
(defeated)
Snicker doodle.
The front door opens and Piper's Mom drags in a large heavy
suit case. Dad goes over to help.
MOM
Piper go help Grandpa with his
bags.
PIPER
Yes, Mom.
(under her breath)
Here we go.
As Piper approaches the door a hand reaches through the
doorway. HALT!
Piper freezes and in marches GRANDPA FISH.
PIPER
Hey Grandpa--
FISH
Shhhh!!!
Fish reaches over and plucks a hair from Piper's head.
PIPER
Ow.
Fish pulls out a strange electronic scanning device and
places the hair on the scanner.
FISH
(reading from scanner)
Hmm, DNA match. Subject shows high
levels of stress and anxiety. Has
a preference for strawberry melon
shampoo. You know that stuff is
bad for you right?
PIPER
Strawberry melon shampoo is bad for
you?
FISH
No, stress and anxiety. You know
what you need to do?
PIPER
Move back in to my room?
FISH
Eat more hummus.
PIPER
I don't know what that is, but
gross.
FISH
It's a dip made from mashed chick
peas, lemon juice, salt and garlic.
PIPER
Now that I know what that is,
gross.
Fish pulls out a pointer and makes some notes on his scanner.
FISH
(to himself)
Subject shows a distinct lack of
adventure, humor and personality.
PIPER
Hey, I'm right here.
FISH
Hearing ability competent. So
stressed out strawberry girl, which
way to my room?
PIPER
(irritated)
Follow me to MY old room.
FISH
Splendid just splendid.
Pipers leads Fish to the basement door. He is suddenly
distracted by the goldfish.
FISH
(excited)
Carassius auratus auratus!!!
PIPER
His name is "Chum".
FISH
Can I clone him? Please please,
can I please?
PIPER
I don't think he'd like that.
FISH
(to goldfish)
We'll talk later.
(to Piper)
Now on to the laboratory.
Fish marches past Piper and into the basement doorway.
PIPER
Laboratory?
INT. KITCHEN - LATER
A depressed Piper sits at the table staring at Chum. Fish is
rummaging through the piles of boxes and luggage now piled in
the living room. Suddenly, Carrie and Kimmie burst in from
the back.
CARRIE
Grandpa Grandpa!! Yay Yay!!
KIMMIE
You're here, you're here you're
finally here!!
TWINS
(hands out)
What'd you bring me?
FISH
(patting his pockets)
Umm...What'd you like?
KIMMIE
I like candy.
CARRIE
And ponies.
KIMMIE
And candy ponies.
FISH
Well I don't have any candy ponies,
but I do have...
He reaches in a box and pulls out a PULSATING ORB.
FISH
Nope that's not it.
He digs in further and pulls out a SMALL ALABASTER BOX. He
opens it to check the contents, but is startled by a gurgling
rushing sound. He quickly slams the lid shut.
FISH
Too dangerous!
Digs ever deeper and...
FISH
Yes!!
Fish triumphantly hold up a fresh pair of socks.
FISH
Now that's what I'm talking about.
KIMMIE
You brought us old man socks?
Fish quickly puts on the socks like a pair of gloves then
reaches back in and carefully holds up a small penlight.
CARRIE
It's a flashlight.
FISH
It's a laser.
KIMMIE
Is it a candy laser?
FISH
No, but check this out.
Fish dramatically presses the on button and....nothing.
FISH
Huh. Oh yeah.
Fish bashes the laser on the counter a few times then--
ZZZZZZZAP.
Fish struggles with the laser as it shoots across the room.
The laser narrowly misses Piper as she dives for the floor.
The laser instead hits the fish bowl and the entire room is
briefly enveloped in a bright flash of white.
Piper slowly picks herself up from the floor and to her
horror discovers the fish bowl frozen solid with a very blue
Chum in the center. Piper taps the ice.
PIPER
Chum!
INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
Fish is bent over a box digging through its contents. Piper
taps on the frozen fish bowl. Kimmie and Carrie stare in
amazement. They think its cool.
PIPER
Chum! Chum! Can you hear me?
Think warm thoughts.
CARRIE
Let's put him in the oven.
KIMMIE
Microwave's quicker.
Fish ignores them all and keeps digging.
FISH
It's in here somewhere!
He stops digging. He pulls out another weird contraption.
FISH
Biggedy Bam!
The girls all step back in fearful anticipation.
CARRIE
What is it?
FISH
Watch carefully!
He tunes several dials. Hits switches. Suddenly, something
is launched from the contraption into the air. Fish watches
it fly into the air and then catches it in his mouth.
FISH
Ah, refreshing. My breath was
horrible. Breath mint?
TWINS
Yay! Candy.
Kimmie and Carrie line up and open their mouths like baby
birds. Fish fires three shots. One into Kimmie's mouth.
One into Carrie's mouth. And one into Piper's eye.
PIPER
Owwwww! Grandpa what about my
fish?
Piper rubs her eye.
FISH
What happened to your fish?
Piper holds the frozen bowl up for him to see.
FISH
Why would you do that to your fish?
PIPER
I didn't do this. You did this!
FISH
Of course I did. And I'll fix it.
All I need is my...
He dives back down into his box which muffles out what he is
looking for.
FISH
(muffled)
Biggedy Bam!
He pulls out another strange looking flashlight.
CARRIE
Gummy worms?
KIMMIE
Candy corn?
Kimmie and Carrie open their mouths.
FISH
Transmogrifier.
KIMMIE
(to Carrie)
What is that?
CARRIE
I think it's vegetable.
KIMMIE
Ew, gross.
FISH
Stand back ladies.
The girls all get behind fish. He lines it up and fires at
the frozen gold fish. The bowl turns bright white.
Suddenly, inside the fish bowl is swimming a great white
shark. Everyone screams. Including Fish. He zaps it again.
Suddenly, giant octopus arms flail from the fish bowl. They
scream again. Fish zaps it again.
Suddenly, there is a frozen fish stick floating in the bowl.
They all scream again. Piper the loudest.
PIPER
Grandpa, you turned Chum into a
fish stick!
FISH
Actually I believe that's a fish
finger, fish sticks have a slightly
different density and--
PIPER
(upset)
I don't care about fish stick
density.
FISH
Okay! Everyone stay calm.
KIMMIE
Rule twenty six.
CARRIE
No freaking out.
FISH
Just a few more adjustments.
He tweaks the buttons a few times.
FISH (CONT'D)
That ought to do it.
Fish fires an extra powerful shot at the bowl. It glows.
Suddenly, it launches from the counter top through the roof.
Sheetrock drops onto the counter. All four of them slowly
walk over and look up into the gaping hole in the roof.
They cannot believe what they are looking at.
KIMMIE
Wow!
CARRIE
Cool.
FISH
I can fix this.
PIPER
Chum?
EXT. THE COLD VACUUM OF SPACE
SFX: SATELLITE BEEPING SOUND
The fish bowl with Chum still frozen in it slowly floats by.
FISH (V.O.)
(scratchy radio sfx)
Um, Houston, we have a problem.
EXT. FRONT PORTCH - DUSK
Mom is sitting on the front porch painting the sunset. A
depressed Piper comes out and sits in the front porch swing.
PIPER
Sigh
Mom paints away.
PIPER
SIGH
Mom paints away oblivious.
PIPER
SIGH!
MOM
Is everything OK?
PIPER
Worst day ever!
MOM
Worse than the time you found out
you were allergic to the fish
fingers at your birthday party?
INSERT
Camcorder view of Piper. A cake sits on the table. Party
guests surround her. Mom sets a plate of fish fingers in
front of her. Piper pops one in her mouth.
MOM
I made fish fingers for everyone!
Piper turns green in the gills. She starts to hurl on the
cake. The camera is dropped.
SFX: CHILDREN SCREAM AND GROSS OUT
BACK TO SCENE
PIPER
I'm thinking serious contender.
MOM
Living with Grandpa Fish is not
always going to be easy. Trust me.
Growing up with his...oddities was--
Grandpa Fish storms out the front door.
FISH
Potted plants?
Piper looks at her mom. Mom shrugs.
PIPER
Over there.
FISH
Thank you.
He picks up the plant, pulls off a leaf and tastes it.
FISH (CONT'D)
This could work.
He walks back into the house.
MOM
Like I was saying, living with Fish
was always challenging. But
growing up I learned a valuable
lesson.
PIPER
To duck?
MOM
That was more a rule than a lesson.
No, it was God makes each of us
unique and different. Your Grandpa
may seem a little eccentric on the
outside, but deep down he's
actually quite...
A flustered Fish storms back out. Bits of potted plant are
stuck to his hair, face and lab coat. A vine is wrapped
around his waist like a leash, the other end trails inside
the house.
MOM
...different.
FISH
I need a bag of worms, some weed
killer and forty seven square feet
of duct tape.
SFX GROWLING PLANT ROAR
A vine reaches from in the house and hooks around Fish's neck
and pulls him back in to the house like a shepherds crook.
FISH
Make that forty eight square feet.
Dad walks out from the house reading over the rule book.
DAD
Wow, some of these rules are quite
well thought out.
PIPER
Not helping Dad.
DAD
Reminds me of my Naval academy
days.
Only our manual didn't have an
entire section devoted to hair care
products.
MOM
I was just telling Piper here about
the upside of growing up with Fish.
DAD
Tell that to the good folks over at
Shady Acres retirement home.
A loud explosion comes from inside the house.
DAD
Or what's left of it.
Grandpa Fish nonchalantly walks out whistling the theme song
and trying not to be noticed. He sidles up to Dad, yanks the
rule book from his hand and smells the metallic cover.
FISH
Nice.
Fish wanders back inside the house.
MOM
You just need to give him a chance.
PIPER
I guess so.
MOM
What do you think honey?
Mom turns her painting towards Piper and Dad. It is a cubist
version of a sunset with a square sun setting over a forest
of square trees.
DAD
(re: picture)
I like it! That's a keeper.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Fish is in the kitchen. Piper walks in.
PIPER
Did you find Chum?
FISH
Not yet. I was making waffles. Do
you have any beets?
PIPER
Well when? I really miss my fish.
FISH
Just wait.
Fish looks at his watch.
FISH (CONT'D)
Chum should be exiting Low Earth
Orbit right about......
A loud sonic boom is heard.
The fish tank drops though the same hole it left out of and
lands on the counter top. Chum still frozen inside.
FISH (CONT'D)
(smug)
Terrestrial reentries are so
predictable.
PIPER
Chum!
FISH
OK, let me try one more thing.
Fish walks over to the tank. He places the rule book behind
the fish tank. He aims the laser at the rule book. It
bounces off the shiny surface and reflects into the bowl. It
heats the water. It glows white.
Suddenly, Chum is swimming freely again. Before Fish can turn
the laser off though, the rule book begins to glow red. The
twins rush into the room and see their rule book glowing.
KIMMIE
Our rule book!
CARRIE
No!
They rush towards the book. It explodes into a snowstorm of
paper shreds. When it clears, the twins are gone.
Piper rushes over and kisses the fish bowl.
PIPER
CHUMMY!!
Fish sheepishly approaches Piper, not wanting to interrupt
her tender reunion.
FISH
I'm sorry Piper. Maybe we could
kinda sorta start over?
PIPER
Kinda sorta.
Piper gives Fish a hug.
PIPER
Thank you, Grandpa Fish!
Fish puts his arm around Piper.
FISH (CONT'D)
This was probably your worst day
ever, huh?
PIPER
Not even close.
Fish reaches over behind the fish tank and grabs the rule
book. It has a huge hole burnt straight through it. Smoke
waifs from the charred crater cover.
FISH
I think I upset your sisters.
They both look up to the hole the fish bowl went through.
PIPER
Yeah, you probably did.
FISH
I can fix this.
INSERT CLOSING CREDITS
EXT. COLD VOID OF OUTER SPACE
The twins float by. Carrie is swimming upside down.
Kimmie's arms are folded and she looks none too impressed.
SFX: SATELITE BEEPING SOUND
KIMMIE
This is so against the rules.
FADE OUT.
